10 Things Extraordinary Parents Say To Their Kids

These 10 things are extremely simple, but so extraordinarily powerful in the setting of supporting and nurturing your children as they grow.

If you want to make a huge difference in your young persons world and equip and empower them to become all that they can be use these every day:

1. “Here’s what I’m thinking”

You’re in charge, but that doesn’t mean you’re more important or more powerful than everyone else. Back up your statements and decisions. Give reasons. Justify with logic, not with position or authority.

Though taking the time to explain your decisions opens those decisions up to discussion or criticism, it also opens up your decisions to improvement.

Authority can make you “right,” but collaboration makes everyone right–and makes everyone pull together.

2. “I was wrong”

Believe it or not, as a parent it’s not your job to be ‘right’ all the time.  If you’re strong enough to admit when you’re wrong your young person will learn to do the same.

Young people model the behaviors of the trusted adults they see around them, so to expect them to act differently to the way you act is insanity.

The old adage “Do as I say not as I do” is almost like Einsteins definition of insanity “Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results”.

It’s not easy and if you haven’t practiced admitting your wrong, at fault or in error in a while get started today – you’ll be amazed at how liberating it can be when you give yourself permission to be wrong.

A sign of low levels or lack of resilience in young people is the inability or lack of desire to try something they’ve never done before, for the fear of failure.  We need to teach our young people that is empowering to fail, its okay to fail and I even go as fair as believing that ‘there is no failure, only feedback.’  To redefine failure as feedback empowers you or your young person to give themself permission to have a go without fear of getting it wrong.

3. “That was awesome”

Praise is unfortunately one of the last things on our minds/lips when it comes to young people.  Growing up one of the most words a child hears more than any other is the word ‘No!’

A UCLA survey reported that the average one year old child hears the word, No!, more than 400 times a day! You may, at first, think this must be an exaggeration but consider this…when we tell a toddler No! we usually say, No, no, no!. That’s three times in three seconds! If that child is particularly active, perhaps it’s true…perhaps that child really does hear NO mega times a day. And, although it’s a good thing that they come to understand NO early (so that they can live to celebrate a second birthday!), the bottom line is that toddlers, from all cultures and across all time lines, learn what to do by constantly being told what not to do. Then they grow up. They go to work…and the pattern of speaking and learning is set from the earliest of days.  So, by the time they hit the workforce, even if they are very positive, energetic and optimistically focused individuals, they are probably speaking with negative language throughout each and everyday without even knowing it!

Make it a habit to praise your kids even for the smallest of things and even when reprimanding or correcting them, get used to using the sandwich technique:

Praise | Correction | Praise

4. “Please” and “Thank-You!”

It may sound obvious but it’s amazing how many young people I work with who just don’t have simple manners down and the only answer for this again comes back to modeling.

Your children are not your slaves, and they’re not an exception to the rule.  Every time you ask your child to do something for you – whether its part of their obligatory chores or not – say ‘PLEASE’.  When they complete the task – say ‘THANK-YOU’ AND then praise them (point 3).

This is not dependent upon how you feel, what kind of day you’ve had, how they’ve been acting for the past 24 hours, manners SHOULD be a NON-NEGOTIABLE.

5. “Can you help me?”

There are two reasons for saying this to your children (probably three – if you include slave labor):

1. By including your children in solving a problem or completing a task you cannot do on your own, you’re showing them that we cant do life on our own.  We all require the assistance of people around and life goes better when you work in collaboration with others.

2. Its okay to ask for help.  As the trusted adult in their life they look up to you, they see you as the ‘All Knowing, All Powerful, Giver of Life’.  So for them to hear you say that you also need help, that you cant do everything on your own will give them permission to do the same.

Dont get trapped in the lie that you need to pretend to have it all together.

6. “I’m Sorry!”

I’m sorry, but you knew this one had to be included.  You didn’t think I could include #2 and not include these powerful words did you?

We all make mistakes, so we all have things we need to apologise for: words, actions, omissions, failing to step up, step in, show support…

Say you’re sorry AND mean it!

But NEVER follow an apology with a disclaimer like “But I was really mad, because…” or “But I did think you were…” or any statement that in any way places even the smallest amount of blame back on the other person.

Dont justify your actions – take responsibility for them and you’ll show your children how to do the same.

Say you’re sorry, say why you’re sorry, and take all the blame. No less. No more.

Then you both get to make the freshest of fresh starts.

7. “Can you show me?”

Advice is temporary; knowledge is forever. Knowing what to do helps, but knowing how or why to do it means everything.

The levels of learning are as follows:

• 10% of what we read
• 20% of what we hear
• 30% of what we see
• 50% of what we hear and see
• 70% of what we say and write
• 90% of what we say as we do something

Even though you may not need your child to teach you what they’ve been learning when you ask to be taught or shown, several things happen: You show you respect the young person giving the advice; you show you trust their knowledge, skill, and insight.

By having your child teach you, you’re reinforcing their learning and the knowledge will stick much better.

8. “Can I help you?”

This little question deliberately comes after #5 because I think often as trusted adults or parents, we’re quick to jump in with our assistance, to ‘help’ our young people – but often its more because we feel they’re not doing a good enough job, or we dont have the patience to watch them struggling with the task at hand.

My belief behind including this in the 10 Things Extraordinary Parents Say To Their Kids, is more as a display of support than it is anything to do with the young person doing a ‘better job’ at what their doing.

Make yourself available to your children early on in their life for support and they will grow up knowing that you’re always there for them.

This does not give you permission to hover (helicopter) around their every move, to fix every problem, address every situation for them.  Simply make sure they know that you are there and you are available for them if they ever need your help.

9. “I love you!”

One of the strongest universal needs of human beings is love.

The Budapest Early Intervention Project (BEIP), a project that examined the health and development of children in Romanian orphanages, found startling evidence that when infants and children are starved of love and affection, their bodies do not grow as they should.

In fact, for every 3 months in an institution, a child loses an average of one month of growth.

Make #9 the rule, not the exception, you cannot overdose your children with love.

Dont assume that because you do stuff for them (in love) that they will automatically know or understand that you love them – TELL THEM!!

Everyday, tell them that you love them!

Attention Fathers – I grew up with my father telling my sister that he loved her, that she was beautiful, knowing that one day some sleeze bag would probably do the same – but when that time came, she would already know that was true and so she could respond simply by saying ‘I know!’.

Fathers, dont let some guy be the one who steals your daughters heart because she hasn’t heard the words ‘I love you’ from a trusted male.

10.

Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. If you’re upset, frustrated, or angry, stay quiet. You may think venting will make you feel better, but it never does.

That’s especially true where your children are concerned. Circumstances come and go, but words can shape our world forever.

Before you speak, spend more time considering how your words can impact on your children and how they think and feel.

You are responsible for creating the way your child sees the world and that is what ultimately will set them up for success in their life time.

Be quiet until you know exactly what to say–and exactly what affect your words will have.

 

Nathan Hulls
Teen Behaviour Expert | Motivational Speaker | Peak Performance Coach
www.NathanHulls.com
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